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2011-06-12T13:53:00.001-05:00

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Jesus, Day 5

2011-01-05T23:37:00.005-06:00

1 Peter 2:4-10

a living stone
rejected by men
choice and precious in the sight of God
a choice stone
a precious corner stone
"a stone of stumbling and a rock of offense" for those that are disobedient to the Word
marvelous light
mercy

Jesus: Day 4

2011-01-04T05:56:00.004-06:00

Hebrews 1:1-4

the voice of God
"heir of all things"
"radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being" - this is my favorite thus far
sustains all things through his "powerful word"
Purifier of sins
sits at the right hand of the Father in heaven
superior to angels

I am once again drawn, as in the first day's reading in John, to the image of light and radiance. I have envisioned this light enveloping me the last few days and it has been glorious. I have meditated on its warmth and comfort and glow that it provides; on its life-giving power and sustenance; on its healing quality. I have dwelled on the external light as the sight-giving source as I walk on my path in life. The light leads me. He is the light. He leads me. May I surrender to the light, Jesus, so that you will lead me all the days of my life.

Character Study Day 3

2011-01-03T06:24:00.002-06:00

Colossians 1:15-23

"image of the invisible God"
"firstborn over all creation"
all things were created through him and for him
17: "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together" - the Glue
head of the body (the church)
the beginning
"the firstborn from among the dead"
in everything he has supremacy - the Supreme
19: dwelling place of God's fullness
reconciles all things - has made me holy in God's sight, blameless, and without accusation while once I was "alienated from God" and was an "enemy in my mind"
makes peace through his blood - wow.

I feel called to meditate on Jesus as the glue who reconciles all broken things and brings them back to beauty and wholeness. I have seen this in my life time and again. I have experienced being an "enemy in my mind" and feeling the darkness of being so far removed from God. And although I experienced this in depression, because I was a daughter of God who proclaimed His name, I still was not experiencing the true depth of this alienation, darkness, and depravity. What an incredible juxtaposition to grasp, that through His blood, peace is achieved. On a more tangible level, that even through the blood and shit in my life and in this world, Christ is working to turn it into PEACE. Christ as "the Glue"....I like the sound of that.

Character Study Day 2

2011-01-02T06:35:00.005-06:00

Philippians 2:1-11

love
No selfish ambition
No vain conceit
Humble
Values others above Himself
Look to the interests of others, not of yourself
Equal with God, but did not use it to his own advantage
"made himself nothing"...WOW.
servant
made in human likeness
obedient...here, "obedient to death, even death on a cross!"
exalted to the highest place by God
given the name above all names
Lord of all - "every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord..."

In the last reading I found the metaphors of "the Word", "the Light", and the story of grace granted by a God who became flesh to dwell among us, even though we did not accept or recognize Him. Christ's "light" presence is what really spoke to me with the passage in John, while what rings true with me in this passage is the humility and servant's heart that Christ possessed, even though he was equal with God! And because of his act of humbling himself and obeying God the Father "even to death on a cross", God exalted Him high above all. Rags for riches, servitude for kingship, death for life...all because of humility and obedience. Incredible.

Character study begins - Day 1

2011-01-01T23:37:00.001-06:00

On Thursday I received a challenge to do the most complex character study I've ever done: Jesus. So I've begun today wig a reading plan I've found that should at least take me the next 3 months or so. I want to take notes & feel that here would be a good place for to share with those few who want to follow along. So we begin.

Who is he?

John 1:1-18

with God in the Beginning

the Word

the light

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

the true light

gives light to everyone

in the world, made the world, but the world did not recognize him

He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.

receives all who call His name as his children, children born of God

dwelled among us in the flesh

glorious

the Son

full of grace and truth

15: John (the Baptist?) - "He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me."

While the law came from Moses, grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

is in "closest relationship with God" and makes Him known to us

I think of the darkest days of my life and how lost I felt in them. I dwell on the description of Christ as light, "the true light", which He gives freely to everyone. God, how I need that light! We were enslaved to the law until you became flesh, but then we were given grace and truth so that we might live. I love that Jesus is the intercessory force in our lives, as the one who died so that the curtain would be torn and we could be one with God, but also continuously makes Him known to us because of his close relationship to Him. I'm still extremely confused by the complex nature of the "trinity" concept, but I am trusting that in this life or beyond God will reveal this to me, and hopefully even in this life will make it at least somewhat more clear.

Physical Therapy

2010-07-13T15:35:00.007-05:00

So I've had 2 sessions of physical therapy thus far to build up the strength of my legs and muscles around my knees. My knees, left in particular, have been pretty painful when running, bending, climbing stairs, and bending my knees to sit. It's your basic common diagnosis: patellofemoral pain syndrome (runner's knee). IT bands (ligaments on the outside of the thigh) are too tight, quads are too weak, so my knees take the brunt of all the impact. They're holding me up instead of my leg muscles. Not good. So I bought a foam roller (a must for runners supposedly and a horribly painful exercise) and a yoga ball. Here are some of the exercises I'm doing daily thus far (not a really interesting blog entry, more for my purposes than anything else):

Leg stretches with a strap - 3 reps, 30 seconds each, both legs. There are 3 exercises: sitting & leaning forward at the waist; lying down on back lifting each leg up; IT stretch, pulling leg across body

IT band stretch with foam roller - 3 minutes each side

Side leg raises - 10 reps, 3 sets each side

Wall squats, individual leg isolation - one leg at a time, hold for 30 seconds, rest for 30

Quad contractions - sitting up, contract as hard as I can for 10 seconds, release 10 seconds; 10 minutes

The wall squats are the most painful on my knees, the foam roller the most painful period. Honestly, I haven't done it every day like I'm supposed to. But I'm getting better at my commitment there. I feel so much better when I do. I have been surprised to see how pain causes an emotional reaction in me. And I know I've only begun to feel the pain - I haven't experienced even a degree of what I will experience as the training continues. But the stretches and exercises help tremendously and I can feel a marked improvement in my knee pain. I definitely need to get some new shoes too, but where is that money going to come from at the moment. I think that would help a lot, so I'm budgeting and praying that some money will come through somehow for that specific need.

As of right now, I feel frustrated because I can't really run that much. But I've been filling that time with all these exercises. I have to be able to regularly run at least 3 miles comfortably by August 14. Any suggestions on how to get there? It shouldn't be that hard of a feat, but the last time I ran 3 miles I killed my knees, so it's obvious I'm not strong enough for that yet...at least not to do it on a regular basis. So I need help - all suggestions welcome!

Clarity

2010-06-11T01:06:00.013-05:00

How do I start but to say there's a lot going on right now. I feel myself changing. I'm happy, but confused by so much right now. So many questions. I feel secure in myself, but mostly because I am aware. So many are not. I'm aware of my imperfections, my faults, but maybe not so much yet of my beauty and my strengths. I'm exploring that now and learning every day.

This summer will be interesting because I have no set plans and I'm not working all day. No teaching my kiddos, no grading papers, no lesson planning. And often when that happens, I get into my headspace - maybe a little too much.

A lot has happened today - little things, but a lot for me and my psyche. I found an old email from Dave today while looking for something else (makes me think of a Deathcab song) and read words that are so hard to read now. I feel him though. It's so hard to constantly wonder, "What if...?" I know now that in the months between when I saw him last in August and when he died in November, he met a girl and started talking to her. We weren't an item, but there were feelings on both sides, and stuff like this was a common occurence for us. We were like sliding doors with people always going through them: constantly moving, never quite meeting and coming to a stop, but always in communication with each other. These emails I read talked about a possible relationship we could have if we could ever stop and meet up in the middle. If we could ever both be single at the same time and in the same place for a long enough period of time. And I ended the email back to him with "Be safe and come back in one piece, Brave Dave." Reading those words broke me. I don't know if I've fully mourned this relationship, this friendship, this love. I'm still figuring that out too. I do know that I feel an overwhelming sense of love, peace, and calm when I think about him, talk about him, cry about him, write about him. I've never felt this before with loved-ones who have passed on, but I feel like he's here, calming me, looking over me, telling me that I am loved and that he is safe and happy. I believe that.

I wonder how all of this will play out over the summer: my own adventures in self-exploration, my journey in mourning losing David, my feelings about my last relationship, and the building up of my current relationships with friends and family. When it comes to routine (such as getting up every morning and working, knowing what my day will look like), I don't deal too well when it's been broken. I don't know what to do with myself. I often go into a slump - so keeping myself busy will be important.

Regarding relationships, I am definitely feeling the effects of not having one. I was so good for a couple years there, and now I'm having to build myself back up after my last break up. I don't know how to explain it - I mean, i'm good. I really am. But I am feeling loneliness more than before. I am feeling that desire to be with someone more, when before I was perfectly happy alone. And I'm frustrated because I'm finding out that people will say anything post-breakup to make themselves look good. I don't like being perceived as something I'm not. I don't know why that bothers me so much. Why I worry so much about what people say about me to other people. I need to figure that out.

Well, obviously insomnia is another thing that I'm dealing with right now. :) Not sure what that's all about. I'm going to shut this thing down now and try for some sleep. Perhaps clarity will come in the morning. :)

A struggle

2010-06-07T10:37:00.005-05:00

Falling off the wagon has become pretty common. I'm realizing that discipline is a major issue for me. Training with Kenyan Way begins on August 14th. After talking with someone who'd run with both Kenyan Way and Houston Fit I decided to switch paths & go with Kenyan Way. I know it will be ok but there is a very big part of me that doesn't believe I can do this. The ups and downs of this should be very interesting. I did walk 2 miles today. No running, but I have to get back on track somehow. This is just part of the journey I guess.

Walking, not running

2010-04-12T06:19:00.004-05:00

This morning I could barely get out of bed, so it was more of a focus of doing that and just following the routine than a focus on having a good run. I walked my regular one mile loop with Bella instead of running - it was the most I could muster up today, but I'm proud of myself for even getting up. I'm seeing that it's very difficult to get up early on Monday mornings if I'm not doing it on Saturday and Sunday as well, so that might have to change. Once my true training starts, I'll be getting up very early on Saturdays, so I better get used to it. It may mean getting up, running, taking a shower, and then going back to bed on the weekends. It's only been 2 weeks, but I haven't had one week yet where I've gotten up every weekday, so that's my goal for this week.

I think Bella's getting used to the walks and really liking them as well, which makes it easier for me. She's getting into the routine of waking up early and, in turn, waking me up. :) Good girl.

On another note, I haven't been flying by the seat of my pants quite as much lately. I'm doing better at going to bed earlier (still need to make an hour earlier) and getting everything ready for the next day the night before. I feel more calm. I'm sure the exercise is helping this as well.

I don't own a scale, so I have no idea if I'm losing weight. At the moment I don't feel or see it, but who knows. Maybe I should keep track of that. Although it will be an added bonus, and this is something I've been wanting to do for a while, it's not my number one goal. It's not the focus of this whole adventure, anyway. But I think the pounds will start shedding come this summer when training with Houston Fit starts. I have been eating better. Tracking every meal on Livestrong has been a little more difficult than expected. My discipline in that area hasn't been the greatest. But I have been more conscious about my meals. Oatmeal this morning with brown sugar, bananas, and golden raisins. Yummmmm.

Well, it's time to hit the showers and get ready for another day of my hooligans. I am so ready for summer vacation.

And that's the update, folks. On to the next one.

Run, walk, run, walk, run

2010-04-07T06:20:00.004-05:00

I was able to get up at 5:30 again today. It feels so good to run. I hate waking up, but I love the way I feel after. I need to start aiming for 5 so I can lengthen my run. Right now I'm struggling to full out run the one mile, so I'm just going to keep doing that. 5:30 am, one mile. My goal is to be running it (no walking) by next Tuesday. I did it in 13 minutes today though, 3 minute improvement (mostly because I ran more). So we're slowly moving forward. :)

Week 2

2010-04-06T22:07:00.006-05:00

Well it's been approximately one week and during that week I only walked-ran (mostly walked) three miles. I'm only documenting, not being hard on myself. Progress is inevitable. I'm doing well with the cokes and fast food. I've been drinking lots more water, so overall things are going well.

I've been a little down lately - could be caused by a myriad of things, so I won't guess here at this one. I know what the most likely culprit(s) is/are. Allergies have been affecting me heavily, and not in the sneezy weezy area this time - it feels upper respiratory, which is making exercise difficult. Anyway, tomorrow I start the goal of jogging the whole mile. I plan to do two miles in total.

I've been getting more organized and getting to bed earlier as well. I'm in bed at 10pm tonight! Unbelievable.

I'll admit that much of this "project" is a way of dealing with some crappy stuff that's been happening lately - things that have frankly been making me feel pretty bad about myself and others. Interestingly enough, these are the same things that make it difficult to get out of bed in the morning and that try to sabotage this incredible goal. I have to keep focusing on "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Otherwise, I'll fail. He gives me strength.

Thank you to all of you who have already begun to support me in this journey. This is much bigger for me than just running. This is a transformation for me. And thank you, Jim...for helping me see how incredible I really am. :)

Marathon details

2010-03-28T15:18:00.004-05:00

March 28, 2010: Commitment Day - Day One
July 17, 2010: Houston Fit Club Registration, Packet Pick-up, and Pace Setting
July 24, 2010: First Houston Fit Club run/walk
July 27, 2010: Houston Marathon Registration
January 30, 2011: Chevron Houston Marathon

Marathon Wo-Man

2010-03-28T14:15:00.004-05:00

Day One:

So...a very persistent gentleman who loves me like a daughter pushes me to love myself on a daily basis. He recognized that I sell myself short and falsely believe that there are so many things I am incapable of doing. In addition, I often start projects and get brilliant ideas, but somewhere along the way I sabotage the project and proceed to beat myself up - continuing the lie that I'm not good enough. "LIAR!" (said in best Carol Kane "Princess Bride" voice). Anyway, said persistent gentleman has dared me to take on the ultimate challenge - run a marathon. The lies are still pouring in that there is no way in HELL I can do this, but I'm going to push through. I think that's just part of the journey.

Today I begin with the first baby steps:

No more sodas. And at least 4 full glasses of water a day - I've barely been drinking any.
Keeping track of what I'm eating. I'm using Daily Plate on livestrong.com for that.
Walking for 15 minutes every day. I've been completely sedentary lately so this will actually be a big change.
Journaling on a regular basis - I have to write at least one marathon-related blog entry a week to start.
Drive-thru fast food no more than twice a week. Again - this will be a big step. I gave up eating out for Lent, but kind of faltered once spring break came along and haven't done so well this past week.
Preparation/organization - laying my clothes out and making my lunch the night before school.

I know the last one seems to have nothing to do with the marathon, but in actuality the marathon is only part of the Love Claudia and Fly, But Not By the Seat of Her Pants project. I've been setting myself up for lateness, forgetfulness, and failure all to fulfill the I Can't Do It Lie. That lie will be smashed in this process, and the marathon is only one (albeit major) part of the journey.

Join me at livestrong.com to see all the details by searching for my full name or follow along here to just read journal entries. Your comments and subscriptions to my blog will be encouraging and very beneficial to me on my journey!

much love.

Commitment...

2010-01-19T14:19:00.001-06:00

It's really not that bad. Especially when you realize how much you care about the person. I'm glad he realized.

Make it go away

2010-01-18T21:41:00.004-06:00

I don't wanna think right now. I'm sleeping too much the last couple of days. I've never wanted work to come faster. Starting tomorrow, my busy schedule will enable me to drown out my thoughts a little more effectively. Still won't be good enough.

Doldrums

2009-12-14T23:37:00.002-06:00

Having a hard time sleeping, feeling a bit in the dumps, worried about leaning too much on certain people & inadvertently pushing them away, praying a lot, and waiting patiently for it to pass. It will. It always does! :)

In rainbows

2009-10-13T19:31:00.006-05:00

Today as I was driving home the sun was shining and light rain was falling. Although I should have been paying attention to the road, I was distracted by this huge rainbow in the sky. After a crazy-hectic-beautiful day at work, the rainbow just lit up my face.

It was so close. I started chasing it. In my head I kept saying, "This is awesome, I'm about to be at the end of the rainbow!" Silly thought, but for a second I literally believed it. I laughed and realized what I was doing.

And that I do it

all

the

time:

chasing something beautiful when it's not meant to be chased. The purpose of a rainbow, if you could say something like a rainbow has a purpose, is not to be touched, but admired from afar. Why am I trying to fit it in a box and keep it forever? It's temporary and beautiful and I should enjoy it for the moment I've been blessed with it.

So I started enjoying it. I observed it carefully, watching every change. Sometimes it would fade in and out, hidden behind gray clouds. If I had been caught up in clenching it in my fists, this would have frustrated the hell out of me. But because I chose to I accept it for what it was and just let it be what it's been created to be, the fade in and out was awesome and beautiful. And it really was.

I got curious about how the sky would look if I removed my shades, and I was once again thrown off my game by the rainbow. Sunglasses on: iridescent beauty. Sunglasses off: nothing. Absolutely nothing. The sky looked dismal and gray-green; no rainbow in sight. I thought about all the people not wearing sunglasses who were driving home from their jobs, talking on their cell phones, singing to the music blaring on their stereos, stressing and grumbling about the traffic...and completely missing the beauty in front of them. Shit...without a doubt there were drones who were wearing sunglasses who didn't see it either! An incredible shame. Have I done that? Have I been that person? Have I rushed through beautiful moments in my life missing them completely because my mind was not in the now? Because my mind was in a different place? Have I missed out on an intimate interaction with someone whom God has brought into my life for just a brief moment, simply because I was too busy fretting over the unchecked items on my petty checklist of tasks?

I fell in love with this rainbow today. And although I might have been thinking like an overly-philosophical existentialist nerd, I loved every thing that it meant to me in that moment. It correlated perfectly with the day I had today and how I decided to stop teaching my difficult class and just BE with them today. To get to know them. It was great. I came to love them and learn more about them in the 45 minutes we had class together, than in the entire 8 weeks we've known each other.

So...God, thank you for rainbows. :) And thank you for giving me a moment of clarity and careful eyes to see one today.

I'm a big kid now

2009-09-12T18:58:00.007-05:00

Well...it's official. I'm an adult.

I don't know, maybe that's not fair. The maturity (I think) has been there, and perhaps it's unfair to quantify adulthood by whether or not one has a salaried job with benefits, but it sure as hell feels like adulthood to me.

I finished signing all my papers for disability insurance, pre-tax medical allowance account, and health benefits the other day. After years of relying on someone for financial stability, it was liberating. I suddenly felt like I was responsible and planning for the future, something I'd been wanting to do for a long time, but never had the means to do it.

On top of all this, I have a steady income from a job that I absolutely love. This past week was the hardest for me by far, but I still love it. And I know it by no means will be the last "hardest week yet", but I feel confident that I've found my calling - at least for now. It's definitely a list-making job. I would get totally lost, overwhelmed, and go crazy if I didn't make lists. The paperwork and constant communication with parents, principals, counselors, special-ed instructors, coaches, students is insane. I feel like it never ends. It may just be that it's the beginning of the 1st 6 weeks, but I am barely hanging on. It's not freaking me out however, and in the past a situation like this would have caused incredible anxiety, so it seems that I'm being watched over and taken care of. Or perhaps a less metaphysical explanation would be simply that I am happy in my career.

I've been happily inside my head quite a bit over the last few weeks since school started, thinking about how long it's taken me to get to the point I'm at now, and what that journey has been like. It took me years to finish my undergraduate education, which people often laugh about when they hear (I have no problem with this - I laugh too). That fact used to upset me - that I was a failure in some sense, but I see now that I simply would not have been ready. I'm amazed that my sensitivity allowed me over a year ago to feel God saying, "Your life is about to change dramatically - the next year is going to be painfully hard." And it was. Jumping off with no safety net from my job at the marketing research firm, taking a job that didn't support me financially at a non-profit, living in that and loving it for a year, and then realizing that it wasn't a life path, but a stepping stone to where I am now. I've never felt so full and blessed in my life. Never felt so independent and strong. It's exhilirating.

One step at a time, but I'm finally at the point where I'm ready to fall in love, to share a life with someone, to start a new chapter in my own life. For now I need to get through this chapter - this transitionary "new found independence" chapter. I just pray every day that God has done or is doing for my future significant other what he has done for me - painfully broken me apart and drastically remolded me into the being I am now. I find myself actually looking forward to the continuing transitions that will undoubtedly be painful at times, but will eventually be the most beautiful thing ever experienced.

New Teacher Orientation - Day 1

2009-08-13T00:15:00.006-05:00

Days Left Until School Starts: 11
Too tired to write much or paste in any cute pictures, but I will say that today exceeded my expectations and I'm looking forward to my new job as a high school Spanish teacher. All the other new teachers were really great and we basically just had a good time today. The school and district seem wonderful and everyone seems incredibly supportive. This is, however, only Day 1, so this will undoubtedly change or have complaints or tears or break downs as time goes on.

But it's ok.

I'm going to be good at this.

I can feel it.

Treasure Hunting Makes Me Feel Magical

2009-08-10T23:06:00.007-05:00

THE MAGICAL REVOLUTION STRIKES AGAIN!!

Tonight I gave in to Kristal & Emily's constant talks of geocaching and jumped in on the game. Hello.

It was pretty fun. And I think it's something we'll definitely do again. And again. And again. Super addicting. Let me explain:

From Wikipedia: "Geocaching is an outdoor activity in which the participants use a Global Positioning System (GPS) receiver or other navigational techniques to hide and seek containers (called "geocaches" or "caches") anywhere in the world. A typical cache is a small waterproof container (usually a tupperware or ammo box) containing a logbook. Larger containers can also contain items for trading, usually toys or trinkets of little value. Geocaching is most often described as a "game of high-tech hide and seek", sharing many aspects with orienteering, treasure-hunting, and waymarking."

Read more about geocaching at wikipedia or by visiting the official geocaching website.

The Magical Revolution is the geocaching team currently consisting of Kristal Dick, Claudia McCotter, Lori Carr, and Emily Yinger. A pink gun and the initials TMR will soon be found in all geocaches located by the team as a symbol of The Magical Revolution's accomplishments in the sport.

Are we dorks?

Yes.

Are we having fun?

You betcha.

Birthday Parties for Strangers are Underrated

2009-08-07T01:24:00.004-05:00

Tonight was great. I may not have known you before tonight, Rebecca...I may even be spelling your name wrong, but it was a great night. Happy "27th" Birthday. ;-)

Moreover, I really enjoyed floating in a warm pool, bathed in blue light and blue water, looking up at a not so dark blue sky. Sadly, it just doesn't get that way in Houston. Gladly, it makes for some pretty great pine tree silhouettes. It was one of those moments that I just wanted to freeze for a few minutes and walk around it and drink in every little detail.

There's something special about talking to people who you thought you "knew", then realizing there's so much more to them. I need to spend more time listening. I find it can be a very worthy past time and one can usually gain more knowledge than in speaking.

So tonight, here's to Tom and his generosity, to Julie and her incredible cooking skills, to Steven and his mad 90s Top-40 mix, to Tiffany and her horse-racing talents, to James and his silky voice, to Kristal and her incomparable laugh, to Melissa and her bachelorette party tales, and...

...of course...

...to you, Rebecca. Here's to you and another wonderful 27 years. ;-) Here's lookin' at you kid.

While I've Been Away...

2009-08-05T23:43:00.011-05:00

For whatever reason I got "busy" and stopped writing. This happens from time to time. Sometimes it's because of a boy, sometimes it's because I'm hiding, sometimes it's just because I get a new hobby, fascination, or addiction (I guess "boy" can fall into that category).

While I've been away, I began the process of becoming a teacher. The face-to-face training wasn't so unbearable, but online training is driving me nuts - incredibly boring. But I'm excited about the coming year and what life as a teacher will be. Excited...and scared. I know I will be great, and undoubtedly SUCK the first year, but I have this incredible sense of peace about this - as if maybe I found my purpose in life...finally. (At this very moment I'm realizing that I write like I speak - something someone mentioned the other day about being an actor and how we interpret text. Blah. Anyway. Back to this so called "text".)

There's also a love interest. I'm not really sure where that will go, but I'm confused by some of the transitions that both of us are going through and how it's affecting or could or will affect the relationship. We're both experiencing HUGE career changes and this never-before-encountered adjustment to "civilian life" - I won't explain. Anyway, without going into detail - it's all big changes and new things for me.

I'm not sure what's to come, but my plan is to get back on the writing wagon (it helps me) as I continue through this incredible transition and new life. Not really a "new life" (I kinda hate that cliché because it's still my life, but...whatever, you know what I mean) - not a "new life" but a new phase for sure. I need to express what's going on and not just keep it all inside. It helps me process. Cathartic...what have you.

I know what I mean.

That's all that matters.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

2009-05-10T12:13:00.012-05:00

Midsummer just closed.

And I directed it.

I just successfully finished directing my first full-length play.

And it was Shakespeare.

And it was kids.

I gotta say, I've never been more proud in my life. At least, not that I can remember. It's been this specific play and the process of producing it and working with these kids that has shown me that I can be a teacher...a great teacher...and enjoy it. I never in a million years thought that I would want to teach as a career, but I guess these kids taught me something. This is a new thought and I need to mull it over, but know that the wheels are turning.

The Fear of Cupid's Darts

2009-04-23T12:18:00.008-05:00

I'm currently experiencing confusion caused by disillusionment in relationships, love, and men. The disillusionment was caused by my own ignorance, stupidity, and foolish actions all done in the name of (what I thought was) "love." So now...the confusion.

I'm not really sure what to expect any more when it comes to healthy relationships. I do know that not "dating" has been a very good decision for me for the past two years. I had a couple relapses, if that's what you'd like to call them, where I tried "dating" again - that didn't work. I put "dating" in quotation marks because my concept of it was and has been very typical, traditional according to society's standards, etc. So I'm rethinking that. I used to have a date every weekend - whether if it was with someone I was in a relationship with, or a different guy every week. It made me feel good about myself, boosted the self-esteem. These past two years have been invaluable to me, proving to be a time of self-reflection, spiritual and intellectual growth, and a time of healing.

I suppose what I want, what I expect now is to find a friend foremost, and for it to develop from there. I need it to be very slow and I need everything to be on the table as good friends share, not as the facade we often put up and the fake smile we wear when we go out on a "date" with someone. I need the person to understand that I'm broken and that I will continue to take time for me every day, no matter who else comes into my life - and if they don't like it, then we can just continue being friends and nothing more.

I haven't really even thought about wanting to be with someone for a while now. It's only recently that I want it again. But I'm happy that I want it in a different tune, and that I'm even aware of that specific desire. Being aware of that keeps me focused on what's really important and keeps me from making dumb decisions or wasting my time just because an enticing opportunity presents itself (a.k.a. hot rich guy "A" asks me out for dinner at my favorite restaurant, although I know hot rich guy "A" is sooooo not what I need).

My deeper concern lies in the fact that there is so much "brokenness", so much baggage (if that's what you'd like to call it) with past relationships, sex, intimacy, that I don't know how I'll handle that when the right guy does come along. This is a constant prayer of mine - for God to heal this in me. And, for that matter, that a man will come along that accepts me for me and embraces the "baggage" and truly desires to help me be healed. It's weird though, because when you've defined "love" one way for so long and it was a twisted definition, how do you know now, as you're developing this new paradigm, that what you've got standing in front of you isn't wonderful, healthy love? Tricky.

For now, I've got my instincts, my family, my friends, and my God to help me figure this out. What more can I need? :)

Image above: The Fear of Cupid's Darts by Jean-Louis Lemoyne, c. 1739

Let's get some shoes.

2009-04-11T00:17:00.003-05:00

So my mom and I went shopping today. I expected it to be mostly for her, and I was coming along as her fashion consultant. In the end, she generously bought me several things too, but it was the day as a whole that was so great, not the material goods gained.

I love my mom. It's hard to describe her in words, especially right now when I'm so tired, but she's just a rockin chick. I enjoy helping her find clothes that look great on her and make her feel great. She's a beautiful lady. After spending a couple hours at Macy's looking for things for her, we ate at P.F. Chang's and got yummy lettuce wraps and chicken with black bean sauce. Deeeeee-lish. It was a beautiful day out and it felt great to sit out on the patio and enjoy lunch together.

We wandered over to Anthropologie and I pretty much put one of everything in the dressing room to try on, knowing I'd be leaving with ONE outfit. But ya gotta kiss a lotta frogs before you find a prince, right? (Funny that I use this to describe shopping for the right outfit when most people use it to describe finding the right guy). Hours later, we whittled it down to a few options and I actually started crying when my mom said I should get more than just a top and pants for Easter. I know...it sounds ridiculous - but I LOOOOOVE fashion and I've been so strapped for cash lately that shopping for clothes has been out of the question. It's not like I've gone through the days thinking, "Oh I would be happy if I could buy a new outfit" or "My life would be complete with a new pair of pumps" - in fact, I haven't dwelled on it much at all. But when someone does something like that, even if it's your mom, when you've barely been scraping by, it's just really emotional.

All in all, I ended up leaving with two new bras and two camis from Gap Body, a new pair of Michael Kors sandals that I am freakin out over, and several pieces from Anthropologie. On top of all that, I left with a wonderful experience of a fun girls' day with my mom. We haven't had any like that in a long time, if ever. I think it's different now that I'm more grown up and I appreciate and respect her more. A great great day.

I love you, Mommy.

I don't wanna!

2009-03-25T10:54:00.005-05:00

I'm having one of those days where I don't want to work or write...I don't want to do anything, which makes me think I need to do something and/or write all the more. Both my classes canceled on me today, so I lean toward lying in bed like a lazy ass and pointlessly surfing the web all day. Nope.

Lots to do, and I know I'll do it, but I don't wanna! It's days like this that make me wonder if I'm truly an adult. :) All cozy under the covers, I keep telling myself, "In a minute I'll get up and go do those dishes. After I enjoy this coziness for a few more minutes, then I'll go do some work." My bed is intoxicating. Hypnotizing. It's not even that great of a bed, but my down comforter is soooo cozy, it's a problem.

My poor friend is having all the bad luck in the world this week and I know what that's like - frustrating, humiliating, and a bunch of suspicious eyes going, "She's sick again? She's having car trouble again?!" Yeah, people!! Ya know, it actually does happen. It's easy to keep things like that from happening when you have a ton of money. Easy to maintain your health and your car. You just go and drop the bills on a regular basis. So I get a little frustrated when they act so incredulous. I actually had someone say, "Don't you think it's a little odd that you're sick two weeks in a row?" Ugh. Anyway...the point.... The point is that I know where she's at, and her tire is flat again, so duty calls.

Look, ma! I'm outta bed!

Grant writing

2009-03-24T01:21:00.005-05:00

It's super late and I really shouldn't be up writing at the moment, but I'm writing in another area as well - grants. I've been working pretty diligently this past week, pacing myself, but still trying to get a few smaller private grants out of the way so I can focus on my first federal grant: The National Endowment for the Arts. That one's a doozy and will be the biggest learning experience in this new venture of mine thus far. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting to discuss what I've been working on this week, and to address any issues or concerns I may be encountering as I continue to work on these various projects.

I'm actually thoroughly enjoying it and it's something I could see myself doing more of. Most of them are like puzzles really. Some are easier than others, but the vast majority require so many steps and complex pieces that they really are puzzles. Puzzles with deadlines. And margin and font pt. requirements.

Short note tonight, but with all that said, it's time to sleep so that I can be fresh for this meeting in the morning. I guess going to sleep at 1:45 AM doesn't really constitute going to bed early in order to "be fresh in the morning". I do my best.

Friends, wine, bugs, and hookah

2009-03-22T23:37:00.015-05:00

Tonight after church I went over to Jessica's house with a bunch of other people from our crew at Ecclesia. We did this last Sunday as well, and I wouldn't complain if it became a common occurrence.

While we were waiting for the crawfish to boil, we ate smoked Gouda, peppered Italian salami, and sesame crackers and drank wine (red, white, and a blushy mixture of the two thanks to David's silly shenanigans). It's so refreshing to sit around with such a big group of loving, up-lifting, silly friends and enjoy good food, music, and laughs together. I'm not really a crawfish fanatic, per se, so I snuck out with David for some Freebirds to-go. Once again, another wonderful experience to spend some time away from people we mutually know, so that I could get to know someone a little better who I've been wanting to get to know for some time. Separating from the group for a while allowed us to share more about ourselves with each other, and I see that a great friendship could quickly develop between him and me. Fun guy.

By the time we returned, bright-red crispy mud bugs were strewn across the foil-covered kitchen table along with red potatoes and yellow ears of corn. The table and the bugs were surrounded by my loud, hungry friends, filling the house with raucous laughter. Bluesy music played on the stereo. Just walking into it all made me smile.

It wasn't long before Jess and I decided it was time to pick it up with a little Vampire Weekend, whose music immediately caused Kristal and me to break out into bouncing and head thrashing. Silly dancing, bouncing up and down, and skanking followed soon after as the whole thing burst into a small dance party. The music continued and filtered out onto the patio as I walked out to join the group outside, sitting in a pow-wow around a beautiful hookah. The tobacco had an orange sherbet-y flavor which, of course, = deliciousness. We sat and chatted and blew smoke into the air for half an hour or so, and then it was time to say goodnight.

I love these cool spring nights in Houston, the only time when the weather has any remote chance of being nice. It's a perfect recipe for moments like this, with friends, together, enjoying each other's precious company. I'm not sure if I was the only one drinking it all in like this, but I sat there for a moment and looked around at all the faces in the room and I felt full. Love. A great feeling I hope everyone gets to not only fully experience, but recognize and fully appreciate in their lifetime.

Communion

2009-03-22T23:05:00.001-05:00

The last couple times I've served communion, I've served the bread. Both times I've found myself about half-way through holding back tears. I am amazed as I invite and accept each person individually, look into their eyes, and say, "This is the body of Christ, broken for you." One by one they come up to commune with each other, with God, and I feel so blessed to be a vessel in the middle of all of it. I am humbled and dumb-founded that God loves me this much. He loves me so much that I am invited to be part of Him and His body, allowed to serve His sons and daughters in such an intimate way. There's something about that moment, when I see nothing else except the person standing in front of me, that silences me and fills me with extreme emotion. In that moment, the love I feel for that person, so different from the one who came just a moment before or the one who will follow shortly after, is so vast, it's inexplicable.

It's a wonder to observe how different people take communion in this diverse church of which I am a part. Some cross themselves, most say amen, some say thank you, others say nothing at all. Some hurry through avoiding my eyes and barely hearing the words, though with most I share intense eye contact and a smile. I want them to know they are loved. I want them to feel Christ through me, and that will only happen if I am fully present in that moment, fully vulnerable and willing to be whatever God wants me to be for that one breath. I love that when I'm serving, thinking about anything other than the present is impossible - my mind is solely concentrating on the broken individual in front of me, what pain or joy or love or angst I see in their face, and nothing more but showing them love. There is nothing else. My mind is empty of all but this in that moment, and it is the most freeing, exhilarating feeling. I want to hold onto it. I want to have that sensation in every moment of every day.

Thank you for allowing me, as dirty and imperfect as I am, to serve as a priest. Only grace can make something like this possible.

Babysitting & Motherhood

2009-03-20T22:10:00.006-05:00

Taking care of Mandy's kids this week has been a blast. They're intelligent, inquisitive, never-boring, and definitely unique. Her oldest and I worked on a scrapbook that I think their mom is going to love. I know I would love it if (when I have kids) my sitter did something like this for me.

I'm looking forward to having children someday - not any day soon, but someday. :) I think I'm going to make a bad ass mom. Honestly, if I could do anything in the world, it would be to be a stay-at-home mom. Of course, I would do "stuff" - volunteer or work part-time or work from home, but to be able to spend time with my kids like that and really make our time together special, that would rock.

I wonder what it's like to be a mother, in terms of the love that is there. I don't think there is any other love like it. The closest I've come to experiencing that I think is with Bella, my pup, and I kinda think that's probably not anywhere close. But I think about how much I've come to care for these kids in the short time that I've known them (only 3 months or so, and most of that time was not spent together), and I can't imagine what it must be like for a mom. It's something I definitely want to experience in my life time - I'm not ready or in the position for it yet, but it is something I want more than anything else.

Beginning

2009-03-20T01:17:00.005-05:00

I haven't been journaling lately, and it's something I think I need to do. In the past it's made a big impact on my daily life, my ability to see the big picture and all. So...I'm beginning...again. Things have been a little hectic lately and I find myself wondering if I should leave the country. Am I running? Or is it really time for a change of pace? Most of these thoughts spawn from two things: (1) Trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to do with my life, and (2) hating the health care system in the U.S. I know no system is perfect, but ours is extremely flawed. If I could find a good non-profit job in another country (Canada or Europe, mainly), I could survive on such a low salary because their governments actually care for the well being and health of their citizens. They know this directly affects the well being and health of the nation as a whole. When will we understand this? Obama Shmobama. Don't get me wrong, I voted for the guy, but one man cannot change a horribly flawed system thick with politics, red-tape, and money-grubbing pharmaceutical and insurance corporations. The whole thing reeks.

This is where my thoughts are when I should be sleeping. Stress and anxiety much? I'm currently sculpting a new paradigm - a relaxed life. Lesson learned today: that organization does indeed help tremendously, but cutting out the crap so you have less to organize is what's most important. I'm trying to figure out how to be more efficient and effective so I can work less and make more - not to be wealthy or gain status, but just to live with a little less stress. This may actually lead back to my original query: Is it time to leave the country? No se. Pero te prometo que estoy buscando esa respuesta.