How do I start but to say there's a lot going on right now. I feel myself changing. I'm happy, but confused by so much right now. So many questions. I feel secure in myself, but mostly because I am aware. So many are not. I'm aware of my imperfections, my faults, but maybe not so much yet of my beauty and my strengths. I'm exploring that now and learning every day.
This summer will be interesting because I have no set plans and I'm not working all day. No teaching my kiddos, no grading papers, no lesson planning. And often when that happens, I get into my headspace - maybe a little too much.
A lot has happened today - little things, but a lot for me and my psyche. I found an old email from Dave today while looking for something else (makes me think of a Deathcab song) and read words that are so hard to read now. I feel him though. It's so hard to constantly wonder, "What if...?" I know now that in the months between when I saw him last in August and when he died in November, he met a girl and started talking to her. We weren't an item, but there were feelings on both sides, and stuff like this was a common occurence for us. We were like sliding doors with people always going through them: constantly moving, never quite meeting and coming to a stop, but always in communication with each other. These emails I read talked about a possible relationship we could have if we could ever stop and meet up in the middle. If we could ever both be single at the same time and in the same place for a long enough period of time. And I ended the email back to him with "Be safe and come back in one piece, Brave Dave." Reading those words broke me. I don't know if I've fully mourned this relationship, this friendship, this love. I'm still figuring that out too. I do know that I feel an overwhelming sense of love, peace, and calm when I think about him, talk about him, cry about him, write about him. I've never felt this before with loved-ones who have passed on, but I feel like he's here, calming me, looking over me, telling me that I am loved and that he is safe and happy. I believe that.
I wonder how all of this will play out over the summer: my own adventures in self-exploration, my journey in mourning losing David, my feelings about my last relationship, and the building up of my current relationships with friends and family. When it comes to routine (such as getting up every morning and working, knowing what my day will look like), I don't deal too well when it's been broken. I don't know what to do with myself. I often go into a slump - so keeping myself busy will be important.
Regarding relationships, I am definitely feeling the effects of not having one. I was so good for a couple years there, and now I'm having to build myself back up after my last break up. I don't know how to explain it - I mean, i'm good. I really am. But I am feeling loneliness more than before. I am feeling that desire to be with someone more, when before I was perfectly happy alone. And I'm frustrated because I'm finding out that people will say anything post-breakup to make themselves look good. I don't like being perceived as something I'm not. I don't know why that bothers me so much. Why I worry so much about what people say about me to other people. I need to figure that out.
Well, obviously insomnia is another thing that I'm dealing with right now. :) Not sure what that's all about. I'm going to shut this thing down now and try for some sleep. Perhaps clarity will come in the morning. :)
This summer will be interesting because I have no set plans and I'm not working all day. No teaching my kiddos, no grading papers, no lesson planning. And often when that happens, I get into my headspace - maybe a little too much.
A lot has happened today - little things, but a lot for me and my psyche. I found an old email from Dave today while looking for something else (makes me think of a Deathcab song) and read words that are so hard to read now. I feel him though. It's so hard to constantly wonder, "What if...?" I know now that in the months between when I saw him last in August and when he died in November, he met a girl and started talking to her. We weren't an item, but there were feelings on both sides, and stuff like this was a common occurence for us. We were like sliding doors with people always going through them: constantly moving, never quite meeting and coming to a stop, but always in communication with each other. These emails I read talked about a possible relationship we could have if we could ever stop and meet up in the middle. If we could ever both be single at the same time and in the same place for a long enough period of time. And I ended the email back to him with "Be safe and come back in one piece, Brave Dave." Reading those words broke me. I don't know if I've fully mourned this relationship, this friendship, this love. I'm still figuring that out too. I do know that I feel an overwhelming sense of love, peace, and calm when I think about him, talk about him, cry about him, write about him. I've never felt this before with loved-ones who have passed on, but I feel like he's here, calming me, looking over me, telling me that I am loved and that he is safe and happy. I believe that.
I wonder how all of this will play out over the summer: my own adventures in self-exploration, my journey in mourning losing David, my feelings about my last relationship, and the building up of my current relationships with friends and family. When it comes to routine (such as getting up every morning and working, knowing what my day will look like), I don't deal too well when it's been broken. I don't know what to do with myself. I often go into a slump - so keeping myself busy will be important.
Regarding relationships, I am definitely feeling the effects of not having one. I was so good for a couple years there, and now I'm having to build myself back up after my last break up. I don't know how to explain it - I mean, i'm good. I really am. But I am feeling loneliness more than before. I am feeling that desire to be with someone more, when before I was perfectly happy alone. And I'm frustrated because I'm finding out that people will say anything post-breakup to make themselves look good. I don't like being perceived as something I'm not. I don't know why that bothers me so much. Why I worry so much about what people say about me to other people. I need to figure that out.
Well, obviously insomnia is another thing that I'm dealing with right now. :) Not sure what that's all about. I'm going to shut this thing down now and try for some sleep. Perhaps clarity will come in the morning. :)
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